


Reasons...

by Inkathebadger



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s11e17 Red Meat, Episode: s11e18 Hells Angel, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 01:02:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkathebadger/pseuds/Inkathebadger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I heard that Red Meat and Hells Angel switched orders a few times in the editors room. In this drabble, Hells Angel happens before Red Meat. Dean knows Cas is forever trapped, that Lucifer can't beat the Darkness, and thinks that Sam is dead, that Rowena and Crowley are in the wind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reasons...

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this right before going to bed last night so I think it might be disjointed. But enjoy anyway

“Sam!”

Dean woke up in the hospital. Alone.

Sam wasn't there. He was still...

He was dead. There was no pulse. His body was still warm but no sign of life... there was blood all in his clothes and he wanted to beat on his chest and roar to the heavens...

Focus on the mission. Keep them safe. 

He had accomplished his mission. Just a run into the woods. It would be like camping. 

“Cas!”

Lucifer snarled the name back at him. And it hit him harder than he would like to admit. Just that glimpse, of Cas dazed and confused lit the flame of hope in his heart and Lucifer snuffed it out again.

Crowley confirmed it. Cas was sunk in too deep. There was no way out. Cas was lost, now in the clutches of Amara and Lucifer.

He almost didn't see the girl he saved walk into the room. His half hearted attempts at conversation didn't drown out the worst fears screaming in his mind.

Alone. Forgotten. Broken pathetic Dean Winchester. Liability. He couldn't kill Amara. She would chew him up and spit him out. Cas was gone, Sam was dead. 

No take backsies.

“Death really isn't the end,” she said.

And at that moment... clarity.

Sam was dead. But there was still heaven. Maybe just for a little bit, before the darkness swallowed all of creation whole. He would see Sam, and Bobby, and Ellen and Jo and Ash and even Charlie. And dad. He deserved a little peace after all, before everything was gone.

He smashed open the medicine cabinet. Told the girl his plan. If it worked, he would have Sam back, if it didn't...

“Dean...” that gravelly voice echoed in his mind. 

The only one he wouldn't see again was Cas. Poor Cas. He had so many chances. He was the one he wanted to experience. When the hunting life had calmed down and the world didn't rest on his shoulders anymore, to spend just that much more time with him. 

Time was up. He had missed his chance. He couldn't get Cas back. He was out of moves. Cas didn't want his help... want him. He had to at least try one way or another to get to Sam. 

He took the pills, and he took more, fist full after fist full.

His heart slowed but the pain didn't stop. His body felt limp but his mind raced. What if Cas got out one day and he wasn't there. What if the darkness didn't nuke all of creation and Cas one day hundreds or thousands of years from now was free. Cas was there, he was just, trapped.

One last prayer. 

“Cas...” he thought. “Please... if there's still a chance... find me... in heaven with Sam. Please Cas. I need you. I ne...”

His body shook and convulsed, his breathing stopped, his heart stopped. 

He was dead. 

The doctors rushed in and began working on him.


End file.
